Karyn With A Y

     Today, my sleep in day, I had to take the children to school so they could redo the problems they missed on a math test.  (Now, this is a testament to how nice, hard-working, and well-respected the boys are: Michael made up a story when he told his friend that they wouldn't need a ride tomorrow--not telling him the real reason.  When I questioned this, Michael told me that the teacher told them not to tell anyone else she was letting them do this.  That was nice.)  So, I wanted to see what the children did incorrectly--it's percents, finding discounts, interest, etc-things we do need to know for life.

     My pajama pants are a little short (I save my new ones for my surgery box--new pjs, books, magazines, DVDs, etc. excite you when you are on Vicodin.  It's like when my mom would pull out wrapped gifts every 15 minutes for us on plane trips when we were very young to keep us quiet.) but go to my ankle, and I wrap my foot/ankle in Saran Wrap twice a day when I apply a topical ibuprofen cream to keep the swelling and pain down.  With white socks and my black Dansko Professionals, the short pants, and the "bag" it looked like I was wearing around my foot,  no make up, and my crazy I-came-home-from-the-gym-with-this-bun-in-my-hair-last-night hairdo, the children were mortified that I would be seen with them.  So of course, I had to do it.   "Please make sure she knows you're just our sister, not our mother," one of them cried.

    As we walked into the school at 7:20, I was stopped by the hall monitor, who said, "Where do you think you're going young lady?  You know you can't enter until 8 AM.  Don't try to get past me!"  I was scared, and a bit perplexed that she thought I was a student.  By this point, the boys had scurried away as fast as possible to avoid association with me, those mean bastards.  She made me sign in, called the teacher to see if this was legit, then made me sign a visitors log, and handed me an apple sticker with "VISITOR" emblazoned across the front.  I put it in my purse, but no, no, no, there was to be none of that. "Oh no, you have to wear it if you want to get back there," said the hall guard, pulling it out of my purse and slapping it on my coat.  When I finally escaped with all my painful junior high memories flooding back, I realized I didn't know where the class was, as the twins thought they were cunning enough to escape that woman with the bag around her foot.  But, I ran into one of their friends, who pointed me in the right direction (after insulting me when I introduced myself--- "Oh, I thought you looked familiar, but you aren't wearing make up!").

    I found the room and entered, both of the boys sighing and turning red.  "This is my SISTER," one of them scoffed.  We went over the test; I saved both of them by providing mechanical pencils and erasers.  They'll be fine with their math issues, or their will be happy waitresses as they over tip in the future.  It was fun, and but won't go back--scary hall monitors!

P.S.  I find it annoying that our mail carrier talks on her cell phone as she does her route.  She's very loud as she comes up to our porch and sometimes pauses during high points in the conversation.

P.S.S Purple Heart does not take furniture.  Salvation Army does, just call and they will give you the pick up day in your area.  You must call before 8 AM though, so we missed this week.  Anyone who needs a place to crash can do so in my mom's side of the garage, where we have 3 classic pieces of furniture one of which my mom "rocked all of her babies to sleep" on, as she reminded the Used Furniture Bank, because that does increase the value.

Quote of the Day:  "Okay honey, I'll do that." --- my mom, in reply to my "Tell them that you are a good teacher but a horrible mother," as she cut our conversation short "running to a meeting".  It's all in fun, really.  When I talk about all my mom does, I usually start crying.    

...and by the way, my glutes are fabulous people, just fabulous--I thought I'd post my Top 16 songs from my iPod cardio playlist that keep me going on the treadmill when the going isn't easy. In no specific order...

1. Matchbox 20, "How Far We've Come", Exile on Mainstream
2. Dave Matthews Band, "Don't Drink The Water", Before These Crowded Streets
3. Rascal Flatts, "Stand", Me and My Gang
4. Idina  Menzel and Tracie Thoms, "Take Me or Leave Me", Rent Film Soundtrack
5. The Beatles, "Thank You Girl", Live at the BBC
6. Nelly featuring City Spud, "Ride Wit Me"
7. Cheech and Chong, "Low Rider", Up In Smoke
8. Reel Big Fish, "You Don't Know", Why Do They Rock So Hard?
9. *NSYNC, "Bye Bye Bye", No Strings Attached
10. Michael Jackson, "Billie Jean (Single Version", Thriller (Special Edition)
11.Michael Jackson, "The Way You Make Me Feel", Greatest Hits: HIStory, Volume I
12.Aretha Franklin, "Rock Steady", Kee's 2007 Christmas Collection
13.Evan Rachel Wood, "Hold Me Tight" Kee's 2007 Christmas Collection
14. Keith Urban, "Where The Blacktop Ends" Greatest Hits: 18 Kids
15. The Beatles, "Got to Get You Into My Life", Revolver
16. Dave Matthews Band, "Stand Up (For It)"  Stand Up

To all my peeps at the Warren Community Center (especially those who lip sync and dance on the cardio equipment), this is for you!  I would just love for the gym to break out one day into song, much like a musical.  How cool would that be?  I know--way cool.

Today we had a visit from the Used Furniture Bank of Southeastern Michigan. We recently acquired a lovely, cozy, and comfy sectional, bench, ottoman, and reading arm chair (even though Crate and Barrel in Troy ORDERED the correct way--Left Arm Chaise and Right Arm Couch, they made the furniture incorrectly the opposite way, and are currently remaking the correct custom order). So, we contacted the furniture bank to take away our couch and 2 reclining rockers. Barring the sentimental and loving memories attached to our furniture (my mother rocking all 4 of her babies to sleep, etc.), the truck driver REFUSED OUR FURNITURE! He said the couch needed cleaning, the beige recliner "looked old", and the brown faux leather recliner had a side seam rip.

Now, we understood this furniture was used--so did they. But don't you think this would be a wonderful charity for re-upholsterers and steam cleaners to aid? The answer from the truck driver was, "Ma'am, these people don't have money to do those things." Now, we have furniture in our garage, my mom's SUV in the driveway, and no real ideas for furniture disposal.

My mom's mood is a passive-aggressive "Well, it just goes to show you how crappy my furniture is," which is NOT the case. Mine is more beggars can't be choosers--why can these people (the Bank's clients) DENY our furniture when they can't afford to pay for their own? I would have been a bit more bitchy, but I was helping my dad with his parents' health issue because at 57 when his sister is with her son in Traverse City at a hockey tournament, he can't call the on-call physician about their colds. Perhaps the driver would have enjoyed an invitation to my family room to inspect our brand new furniture--perhaps THAT would be suitable since it's 3 weeks old.

That's all.

...I've played our word game (my mom *is* an English teacher, folks), but never the REAL games. Michael and David allowed me to bowl. I was going to use my brother Paul's profile (a Mii, I believe it is called), but they were both seriously worried that I would ruin his profile's score. Hmmm. So we did bowling. I played a few rounds, and I was able to be Rachael Ray (who kicks some major bowling ass), Arthur, and Bert (as in Ernie and Bert). We also have Smokey the Bear, all the Family Guy characters, Harry Potter, and Chicken Little.

I'm sitting here wondering why my shoulder hurts *before* I go to gym, and I realize--I have Wii shoulder pain! Seriously! (I am still learning how to release the ball using A and B buttons.) And according to the boys, I "killed the audience" when I released the ball backwards. Sorry Wii audience!

Now the boys (all the boys, my bros) yell out random names when bowling to see if it will bring them luck. The luckiest? "Ina Garten and Michael the Flower Shop Owner and TR and all of her gay friends!" The unluckiest? "George W. Bush!" Ponder that people.

Wii shoulder pain. Seriously? Seriously.

Santa had a bit of a windfall, and is using most of an inheritance for savings, retirement, college tuition, and the new Crate and Barrel chaise/couch/chair/ottoman for the foot surgery. However, Santa *did* have a crazy little electronics Christmas, and bought the Rudzinski twins a Wii complete with all the accessories and 4 games (buy 3, get 1 free at Toys 'R Us--guess it pays to have 4 children sometimes!), and the first Wii party is tomorrow night. Santa brought Paul and his sister (me) new 80 GB iPod classics. Mine is silver and I adore it. Tonight I loaded my first iTunes gift card and purchased Matchbox 20's "How Far We've Come". I love the iPod!!! (I've never had an MP3 player before!) I can't wait to use it with my special case at the gym tomorrow!


Rock on people!

I just finished my semester today, so I will have a very nice break from now until the start of the new year when I begin my externship in phlebotomy. I thought things went well in my grad physiology exam, but was not super-confident in stats. Seriously, I had a panic attack leaving the university, which is stupid now, because as I sat rapidly calculating my grade, I would have had to really screwed up to get less than a B--but I am in A-/B+ territory and want the A-! Grades will be up on Monday though, and it really won't make or break my PA school entrance. Still, even though I thought he was really tough on me, he got me. One time I asked him a question as he was leaving class and he said, "I'm not answering that. You know the answers--you just don't believe you do." Yep, the story of my life. It hit a little too close to home.

So I skipped the pool tonight--I figured I was allowed a break. My adrenaline kick was waning, and I'll go to the gym tomorrow, Friday, and Saturday (Thursday swim) to get my 3 days of program in.

It's so crazy too; I was thinking of things to do this semester--classes, working, etc. Since I expect to be in school, I'm looking at my life in term of semesters, but between the externship and the surgery, I can't commit. It's funny though, because I want my surgery--but I am looking at options that would postpone it! I guess maybe that's healthy though--that I'm not "wishing my life away" while I wait. And then, today, I schedule an appointment with Dr. Zingas 21 March 08 for my pre-op (surgery is scheduled for 14 April 08, but has not been boarded yet--we can do that in mid-January, but the docs--Zingas and Dietz--have that date set in their calendars), and I get all queasy just thinking about the surgery. They are getting a new office too, so I will be in St. Clair Shores for all of my post-op visits and casting! However, it means they will no longer be connected to the hospital, which sucks for the PAs--it was nice to be able to run over there and catch docs in between patients. I know I am going in strong, but this is not easy. I think the recovery will be long and grueling, and my pain tolerance has only gone down with time and surgeries. However, Dr. Z has told me he can handle that, to let it go... I guess that needs to be the theme today, right?

Life is so busy. If I'm not at school working or in class, I'm studying. I thought I would have a little break for Thanksgiving, but my statistics prof turned yesterday's exam into a take-home exam. The exams are open book open note, so why the necessity for take home?

I've also joined the Warren Community Center which I LOVE. I am going 3 times a week on a program from my physical therapist so as to strengthen everything while maximizing cardio. I am feeling great and having the gym on my way home is key! Tomorrow I am taking my cousin and brothers to the pool there, which is just awesome! I have watched for 3 weeks from the cardio window wall and am ready to swim in the water park like pool--and it's free for me!

I also finished a phlebotomy course last week, and will complete my externship at the 15 Mile and Ryan Henry Ford facility in January. If you have good veins, I am excellent; if you don't, I'm not. But my goal in life is not to become an expert phlebotomist, so I am not too worried.

Yesterday was long and shitty so I didn't feel like working on the exam, and today I got up at 4 AM for my mom's friend's surgery with my Dr. Zingas. I don't know if I posted here about me, but in September, we found out that my neuroma is back, and we plan to amputate the nerve up to the tibial nerve with the hand surgeon and a fun hospital stay (with good drugs). Unfortunately, I'm not scheduled till April and I am in a lot of pain. I was actually jealous that Paula's bunion was so easily fixed and she did so well--actually, I don't really care that her surgery was easier--I just want mine done. Period. But, there is really no other time to do it since it's on the right foot and I will need to be non-weightbearing for a good long time, because to quote the man (Zingas), "that nerve is going to be buried and drilled deep, deep into the bone so it will STAY this time" which means casting to allow no movement for the nerve. It still amazes me that you can walk in, go to sleep, and wake up a few hours later being so debilitated.

Anyways, I need to finish my externship and hopefully work for a bit and I refuse to go to PA interviews on crutches--no need to give them yet one more thing to mark me down for--though I have improved my application and am really happy with the package this year (though so far no's have come from Yale, Cornell, and Quinnipiac, which is not surprising). So really, there is no option, and my team is trying to make the best of it until April. It's livable, but those nights when I can't sleep are terrible. I take maybe 1 Ambien CR a week when I have the time to get 8 uninterrupted hours of sleep, and that makes a difference. Please, please pray for my acceptance to PA school--though clearly, other plans (i.e. my right foot surgery) were in God's head. Truly, it's not a stretch to say that my team was devastated when the positive neuroma report came back. I spent a lot of time convincing them it would be okay, and then a couple weeks later realized the gravity of the situation myself. But, a new, custom Crate and Barrel couch will be here for my recovery--nice, big, comfy, and cozy. My family calls it the surgical recovery couch. (I told my mom she needed to buy a new couch if I ever had to have foot surgery again--and I was serious.)

But Paula did well, and it was nice to see Dr. Zingas--I always do around Thanksgiving. I need to run to the grocery store in a few minutes and attempt my grandma's pie crust and pumpkin pie recipe, along with her Jello recipe and gravy on Thursday. I don't want to go to the store, but David is bugging me, so I will go.

Hope you all have wonderful holidays, and take time to be thankful for all of the wonderful things we have in life.

With much love and peace,
Karyn

I know I haven't updated in forever, but really, who does read this? Actually, I think more people do than will admit to it. I don't want to post tons of details because this link is on my Facebook page and I worry that people who don't really know me well (but are Facebook friends from UDM or classes, etc) will read this and make judgements.

I have just had many bad months. Really. And I am just finding it so difficult to get back up and get going. I do it--but then something else shitty happens--and it seems so hard. I just don't feel very deserving of anything, and I feel like I have nothing to show for these years of my life. I am dreading a friend's wedding and bacheolorette party because I just don't want to see people who have done great things with their lives. And really, what do I have to wear? My therapist told me that I am too pretty and that I should lose weight, that I would be happier, and on one hand, it pisses me off, but on the other hand, apparently that is her professional opinion--and as she says, that's what I am paying her for--so I should get it, bad and good. But still.... I don't know. Just feeling like this is all so hard. And I'm getting tired of having to stand up and work through it anyways.

I have a UDM interview on Saturday, 24 March 2007 at 11:30 AM--and I am so excited and thrilled. 60 people are interviewing for 40 spots, so a LOT better odds--but I still am not in yet. My family is a little excited too. My aunt Jan especially. She wants all of my info, info on what questions will be asked, etc, so she can give me a "mock interview" this week. She has sat in on many MISD hirings before, so she is a good guide!

She wants me to go in fresh to the interview, so she wanted to buy me an interview "outfit". We found the suit at Dress Barn, which is a place I always forget about, but has really nice things. When I came out, she said, "Oh Karyn. That's the *one*!" Like it was my wedding dress :) We laughed. She wants to drive me to the interview, but I want to do it myself. I can do this. I am confident, cool, and prepared. This is my home school, after all! Anyways, I love the suit. It's navy blue, and we bought a green shell to go with, which my dad hates. (Despite the fact that two non-salespeople and non-relatives told me that I looked "so professional" when they saw me in the mirrors.) My dad wants a light blue or white shell, but aunt Jan and my mom think that I need the color to pop, and also to brighten my skin tone. My dad told me he will take me shopping for a new shell. He also said that we will start at Meijer. And that I looked like a "streetwalker" at my last interview. Whatever. He was super mean to my aunt, which shocked me. I thought that he would be happy that she helped me purchase a professional outfit, but apparently not. He said we had gotten it "90% right". !!!

So should I wear the spring green shell? Or go with white or light blue? (By the way--we also bought an aqua-colored shell--but that was not "light blue" according to my dad. What is light blue to a man?)

P.S. I have been catching "Reba" reruns on Lifetime, and that is a really good show!

... I have been busy! Today I ran over a squirrel--it was my second squirrel killing--the first I did on my road test. I was on my way to PT on Chicago Road between Dequindre and Mound, right across the street from Halmich Park. It just happened...

Anyways, I am keeping busy. No acceptance letters yet, but no rejections either. I am on my way to Kinko's to print my supplemental application to be turned in tomorrow to UDM on that fabulous paper they have.

My birthday weekend (Feb. 9th) was fun--my mom's lasagna with my extended family on Friday, dinner and drinks with my dad at Twingo's and "On The Verge" at Hilberry on Saturday, and a day trip to Ann Arbor with the fam to celebrate Paul's birthday (Feb 4th.) on Sunday! Still more celebrations to come--dinner at The Melting Pot with friends on Friday, and lunch with one of my best girlfriends from grade school to celebrate our Feb 9th and 10th birthdays!

Hope you are all doing well. Know I think of you often and lurk much more than I post. Have a wonderful day--and sorry to the squirrel population. I do feel bad!

My dad was incredibly mean and hurtful to me, but as my mom says, "I can't even remember how many Christmas's he's ruined." I mean, what a horrible thing to say... and yet, it's standard in this house.

My mom and I came down with a short-acting virus that we thought was food-poisoning on the 23rd into the 24th. I went to my aunt Jan's on the 25th, and started eating again, which was good. Then Paul and David have it. They are typical sick men, especially Paul. I've only been vomiting post-surgery in hospitals 2 times, work in one, and had the virus--but he keeps trying to drink water and it won't stay down. Flat Sprite and Vernors, my friends. And Saltines if you want to try any pills. Get that glucose past the blood-brain barrier!

We have since Lysoled the house. New toothbrushes, everything. My fam was supposed to leave today to ski, but have been delayed. Michael, our germ freak, has delayed getting the bug so far, so he and I went to the movies today to avoid more germs. The MJR 4:10 PM Night at the Museum in the huge new release theatre was packed! It was a great movie though; I really liked it a lot. It is based on a different book, but I have always loved "From the Mixed-Up Collections of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler" by E.L. Konigsberg, so it was definitely relatable to that for me. I do love Ben Stiller; he is sooo funny. It was a relatively "smart" movie (not many PG potty jokes) so I was surprised with the crowd, but it was wonderful.

So, my mom is out and I am updating. My interview at Wayne went very well. I was very happy with the interview, and will hear back mid-January-ish. This week, I have physical therapy, actual therapy (my therpaist is BOOKED SOLID the week after Christmas--big surprise), and a play with my dad, aunt, and uncle. I am a little lonely and wished my fam would have made the choice to stay with me, because no one makes an effort really to do anything with me when I CAN'T ski. And this has been what, 4 years now? No board game afternoon? No trip into Petoskey? Nope.

I have been told that it would be "fun" to have the room to myself to read and watch TV, but it isn't all that wonderful, and I will become the "put lunch and dinner on" and "pick up the kids' ski school passes, equipment, etc." girl and I refuse to be that. Stuff to talk about with my therapist tomorrow. Really, I will be there sobbing with a box of Kleenex. There are other issues too-- Paul was supposed to be at church to help decorate for Advent to Christmas in 4 hours--we made a deal--and he didn't hold up his end of the bargain, and I had PROMISED my committee chair that he would be there--and when I didn't go because I was violently ill, he didn't either--and I hate how that reflects on me.

I would love to make some "dates" with people, as the fam will be back Friday evening if they leave tomorrow.

The other thing that has been bugging me is the McPharlin family. I just don't get it, but now I know God is trying to tell me something, so I am tuned in now. I just feel like my family gets the raw end of the deal so many more times than they do--and yet we have put in the time at church, helping others, etc. Not that the Mcs aren't good, I just don't see my family reaping any benefits.

Pondering life a lot lately... I found a small little baby album my mom used to carry in her purse when I was 24 months and younger, and I can't stop looking at it. How happy everyone looks; how much promise there was in me as a baby. How my dad looks at me with so much love... Just wondering what is in the plans for me.

Anyways, I hope you were not sick on Christmas. It sucks. But being with my mom made it a lot better. I did learn that I am still not too old to want my mom to make everything all better :)

Call me kids! I promise I won't be this depressing!

P.S. My mom decorates the BEST trees. We don't have a scheme--a lot of people ask--but just ornaments over the years and she does a wonderful job finding the right spot for every one. I will NEVER be able to do one as nice as hers... except maybe the "divorce tree". That is a really good story--but you'll have to post if you want to hear it!

...but who isn't? My aunt via my mom forwarded me one of those "I am thankful that I have house problems to fix because it means I have a roof over my head; I am thankful for the taxes I pay, because that means I am employed", and I will have to post that later--but that's how I feel; that's what I always tell people when they ask how I am--busy, but happy to busy rather than alone, incapable, etc.

Anyways, things are busy. School is well and I have received 1 rejection letter from Quinnipiac, but have an interview set at Wayne! I have started working with the ortho PA department at St. John Main on Thursdays, and I LOVE it. I called my mom on the way home on my first day, and told that this was what I was meant to do my whole life. My next Thursday with ortho is after Thanksgiving, and then Jane, the PA "in charge" of me, is working on getting some more rotations with other departments. I definitely think that I am more "urban-oriented", so I think those PA schools that focus on that will be most certainly be my best match. In terms of my personal statement, what my community service reflects, an urban oriented school is my choice.

Things with Jane have been working out well, and I've been loving this Carrie Underwood song called, "Lessons Learned". The lyrics are posted below.

There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some bitter endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I could not undo,
Some things,
I wish I could do all, all over again,
But it don't really matter,
When life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

[CHORUS:]
And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every start,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should've taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

[CHORUS:]

And all the things that break you,
All the things that make you strong,
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone,
you just gotta move on,
Because they are all,
Lessons learned.


Anyways, I just really feel so much more confident and sure in myself and in what I want to do with my life. I am smart, I am strong, and I deserve a spot in a school because I will me an amazing PA. And Jane also has some good connections at UDM... But anyways, I was driving home the other day thinking that I never would have met Jane or the ortho department if it weren't for the nerve in my foot being severed... I just strongly believe that nothing in life is chance... it's all meant to be, and everything leading up to this point has led me to here. Right now, I feel that I'm in a strong place.

So, lately, during Michael's art sessions, David and I have been doing homework at the Caribou Coffee on Crooks Road and Big Beaver--it has a nice atmosphere, the staff is nice, and David likes the food and drinks he can get (the smoothies are very good!). So, the last few times I've been there, there has been an old Oprah magazine--the same one--at every table David will pick. But the last Thursday, I flipped through the magazine, and found this really beautiful saying that has touched me so much this week. I leave you with this. Hope you all have wonderful Thanksgivings and take time out of your day to be thankful for all of the gifts you have.

"I will not die an unlived life.
I will not live in fear
of falling or catching fire.
I choose to inhabit my days,
to allow my living to open me,
to make me less afraid,
more accessible,
to loosen my heart
until it becomes a wing,
a torch, a promise.
I choose to risk my significance,
to live so that which came to me as seed
goes to the next as blossom,
and that which came to me as blossom,
goes on as fruit."

--Dawna Markova

A lot of foot stuff has happened since I last posted-- a lot of life has happened, actually. School is going well, but I still have no word from PA programs yet, which is driving me nuts! Dr. Zingas released me yesterday, and I am still just so sad. I knew it was coming... There was a lot of fear that every time he didn't say "this is as good as it gets" that he would say it the next time. He never specifically said those words, but I know he means it.

The MRI showed some repairs that had happened naturally with the rehab, which is good. The EMG showed nothing unusual. However, I still have functional instability. This means that instability is not caused by anatomical problems, but by neuromuscular and propriceptive problems. The best way to describe proprioception is to say that when you are walking, and you mistep or step awkwardly or on a rock or whatever, there are nerve receptors deep in the muscle that subconsciously tell your brain "move the foot this way so you don't roll!" That is what is damaged in my foot--the receptors aren't getting the message, and by the time my conscious brain realizes it, the ankle has twisted, or "rolled". The only way to fix it is through aggressive rehab. I had been seeing Dr. Belfie, a physical med and rehab doc, but he sent back to Zingas, as he felt he had done all he could. PT released me because insurance was starting to question justification for my visits. Zingas was the last one to provide me hope... and he doesn't have anymore either. He was the fixer... the one who didn't tell me to "live with the problem".. the one who knew he could fix it. (And he did fix the nerve very well, I must add.)

I'm not really happy where my foot is, especially at my age. I constantly feel like my ankle will roll, even if I am wearing my most sturdy ankle brace. A normal ankle sprain takes a few months to heal; with all the issues I have had, Zingas thinks it could take up to two years to get me back into a shoe and orthotic. However, since there is nothing to fix surgically, Zingas feels he doesn't need to see me anymore, since he is a surgeon. So, he sent me off with a final script for my nerve pain meds, and a tracking sheet that said "DNMA!" Do not make new appointment. Yes. Lovely. And a number for a physical med and rehab doc named Sarah McDade.

So, I basically held it together until the elevator, and then I just cried for like the rest of the day. I drove to school from his office sobbing, which I probably shouldn't have done. Unfortunately, the prognosis for functional instability is not super-good. Basically, the problem will always be there--and people DO roll their ankles--and once the ankle has been so damaged that there is a fracture or torn-beyond-repair ligaments, you see an ortho who will do surgery.

Aunt Katy gave some good advice; and Dr. McDade's office was closed, so I couldn't make an appointment. I also scheduled an appointment with Sherry, my amazing PT, because I do want to do more work with her. I think Dr. McDade will write an exceptionally agressive program that Sherry can execute, and if not, I will pay Sherry out of pocket for rehab work. The reason, says aunt Katy, that I need a pain management and rehab specialist is because we have not done agressive therapy--and a doc will be needed to manage the pain of the agressive rehab, which scares the fuck out of me. And then I'll break my fucking ankle anyways. People with functional instability in studies have shown a huge risk of having early osteoarthritis that requires surgery. Sucks.

On top of that, I recieved a letter from my laywer. We will be going to court, where I will be required to provide testimony against the podiatrist on Monday, 16 Oct 2006. I wanted to know a little bit of what to expect, and informed my lawyer that it looks like there is significant damage with this foot for life, and that Zingas too has given up. My lawyer called back exceptionally sweet, and wouldn't discuss the specifics of the court date--he wants me to relax, and will call next week to prep me for the testimony. The podiatrist had no insurance when he operated on me, and owes BCBS $700 grand that he embezzeled, so if he had been insured and didn't owe the money, it is likely we would have settled out of court, because it's pretty clear that the DPM is at fault. Chris, my lawyer, feels that the judge will not have to think twice about "awarding any sum we ask for", but collecting it is a different matter. Hopefully, when the judgement comes down, we can do more asset investigation and collect as much of the award as possible.

He told me to hang in there, and was exceptionally sweet. He suggested trying a doc at UM, and "he wasn't just saying that because of thr football team" he actually dislikes the school, but thinks their med program is impressive. "I am sure there is like, an ankle and foot nerve guy ONLY out there," he said. I would not be opposed to that, but would ask Zingas to consult/do any surgical intervention if need be, as I think it's very important to have one knowledgable surgeon cutting, as he knows what he will find if he ever has to go in again. My aunt told me to "take a month off" of the ankle and put it on the back burner. I am sure it will take that much time to get a new patient appointment with Dr. McDade, and I am not jumping into UM anytime soon either. I just want to do some PT/cardio/yoga/strength training with Sherry, and let the ankle adapt to the new stresses created by school, shadowing, driving, etc for now.

Those Tigers were awesome last night, but I could use some hugs... just looking at the next 60 years of my life having to live with this ankle completely scares the fuck out of me.

Oh kids. What a week.

And you know, this is NOTHING in comparision to the shit that is going on in the schools, in Colorado and the Amish school. The fucking war. The woman on my committee who, while parked next to me at church, had her purse stolen from her car )windshield cracked with a brick) while 60 PEOPLE were at the church Thursday night. I am listening to my fave Rascal Flatts CD, the song, "He Ain't The Leaving Kind", referring to God. I am trying not to doubt that, just wondering why God thinks we can all deal with this.

I had a very spirtual connection at the library today... On the way home from school I stopped by the library to return an overdue book, as well as to pick up one my mom had on hold. Turns out, I was returning the same back she was getting--"Baby Proof" by Emily Giffin (which I liked better than "Something Borrowed" and "Something Blue", by the way)! THEN for some reason I walked into the children's section. One of their displays was a grouping of books about libraries (these are picture books, now), and on the table was a book called "I Took My Frog To The Library" by Eric A. Kimmel. I picked it up because it seemed familiar. Of course it was--it was the book that Paul and I "donated" to the library in honor of Granny Carduck (and she died when I was in the 2nd grade)--and I had not seen this book in years! Next to the book was one copy of Michael's new bookmark--he won the 2006 bookmark contest--and the children's section had not set out their new 2006 bookmarks. I asked the librarian for more, and she had to go in the back and get some--she had no idea where this one had come from, because the 2006 bookmarks were just recieved today. I know Granny Carduck had something to do with that... A coincidence? I think not.

They remind me of the Ramona Quimby books by Beverly Cleary, especially the one where everyone is crabby on a rainy day, and they have all been "scrimping and pinching" to "make ends meet", and Ramona's dad makes the ultimate decision to take them out to dinner to make the mood better. He lets them get whatever they want (shakes, fries, onion rings, Ramona can order off of the adult menu, and dessert!) and then, an elderly gentleman who likes how they interact as a family picks up the bill. Ramona was produced as a series too for Canadian television, and it probably aired when I was about 6 or 7, on PBS. You can get the videos at the library. We've all read the books in our house, so every once in awhile we get the videos and watch them. I still read a chapter of Ramona from my book case every now and then. :)

I made flash cards for all my notes yesterday night, so I am caught up. Just have some reading to do and start going through the notecards. I also cross-referenced books and notes. I am obsessed with colored index cards, Post-It flags, and highlighters. No work back yet from my PA apps, but the next set goes out next Friday--so keep a good thought--and have a great rainy Saturday! I think I might go to the mall...

What the fuck did they do to Facebook? There's so much shit on their now--I rarely have time to update MY life let alone read detailed details about all of my friends.

"Life is one big essay question."

That's all. I'm tired. I'm tired of driving, walking, standing in college administration lines. My foot hurts, and I need to ice it. No classes tomorrow. Sleeping in; late alarm clock; I have my EMG at 10:30 AM tomorrow. Project Runway is on. Go Kayne!

Why is that god damn frog jumping if he is exhausted?

I've been so busy--spending $500 on books for the semester and all. Paul is visiting friends this weekend at MSU, and my mom and the boys are in Ludington till Monday, and I decided to stay home, but it is a little quiet and lonely. We are switching Justice and Peace leadership now to prepare for my absence next year, and we are adapting new bylaws, and I also wanted to get a jump-start on PA applications, so I decided to stay home and get some things done while it is quiet--but it is too quiet! Today I did a much needed jewelry box clean-out and took everything that needed cleaning and repairs to Lucido while I picked up my charm bracelet that had two more charms (my sting ray from Shedd Aquarium and a white gold K with my birthstone that my mom had made) soldered onto the links. I realized that I don't need a new watch and was able to give some things away (not my nice, sentimental, or fine things, however).

I have seen a lot of movies lately, but my favorite has been "Little Miss Sunshine". I saw it with my mom last week and it was just wonderful! Funny and poignant and reassuring that even fucked-up families have a lot of love--there is hope for us in our house.

I am still trying to get started job shadowing; the ortho PA's at St. John have been rotating vacations, so Jane has been out of town or covering for someone who IS out of town for the past few weeks. There is also an argument between Jane and the volunteer coordinator (really, this should be sanctioned by Medical Education, but it is done through Volunteer Services) over if her shadowers have to wear the blue volunteer coat. Jane wants us to wear scrubs, as we blend in when we go to a patient's room--she doesn't have to really explain who we are; there are always people in scrubs tagging along with doctors, PAs, and nurses. The coordintor feels that it is unethical to let patients assume we have some official medical knowledge, and that the blue coat serves as to not confuse the patient. Stupid, but I think this is holding things up, as a volunteer was recently terminated in the ER because she wore scrubs and no blue coat--a big deal. I am hoping to shadow 2 to 3 days a week.

The foot is so/so. There are too many variables happening at the same time to see what is and what is not making a difference, so it is stressful. I am starting school, stopping physical therapy, stopping wearing the brace, getting new orthotics, starting shadowing, and going on a year of instability with the ankle. There is new pain, a popping, a burning, and a general sense of things feeling "out of place" in the ankle. Zingas refuses to operate and I understand this, but after 10 months with documented instability still and improvement of range of motion, it drives me nuts that he's just sitting on this. Had x rays done on Friday but they were unremarkable. PT is still needed (there is so much left to do still), but the range of motion numbers aren't changing anymore, and that is what is needed to get insurance coverage for PT. My goal was to get some more diagnostics done, as I have been getting my ass kicked in PT with no stabilty improvement, and THIS IS NOTED IN PROGRESS REPORTS, and that happened, so I should be happy with my visit, but I still feel it is lacking. We are doing an MRI (my request) and an EMG and nerve conduction studies on the lateral side of the foot (all other problems have been on the medial side, this is Zingas's request). I think this might be his way of "justifying" potential surgery to the area, as it is not through the same incision as surgeries prior, but I don't know. My ankle doesn't "toggle" when he examines it, and he can't explain why *I* feel unstable, yet it does not manifest upon physical exam, which I really think is bull shit. I understand and can talk with him with industry terms and understand what they mean and what my options are, I have had 3 foot surgeries, numerous PT, and am a pre-PA student and you can't explain it to me? If you can't explain it to me, who can you explain it to? I would never see another foot surgeon--it'd just be stupid on my part--but I don't feel like I'm being listened to. In the past couple of weeks, my PT has ended, the rehab doctor has told me that "architecturally, the foot is just crap", that he has done all he can do, that Zingas and surgery options would be his recommedation, and had Zingas tell me to go back and see what the rehab doc can do.

I was very calm with Zingas, but got teary after he left. I just feel like everyone is giving up on this ankle, and I'm not at a point where I think this ankle is good enough to last me the next 80 years. I called my PT and PTA, and we are going to sit down next week and try to come up with an actual timeline and flow chart of options, because I feel that I have really worked on this foot and it's just not where I want it to be. But, we have the diagnostics ordered, and hopefully, they will show something that can be fixed. Even just a scope to clean out the joint capsule would be fine--something is just not right, but no one seems to be listening.

I am looking forward to going back to school; I can't wait. I just want to be in PA school already! My mom has the house in her name, and has been dividing accounts and funds and stocks with my dad, so things are bittersweet here. Our family with mom, Paul, me, and the boys have been getting closer this summer, so it will be sad to see Paul leave on Wednesday to go back to UM.

And finally, I have done so much good reading! I am reading and devouring 3 books at a time. I did win one of the Sterling Heights Library's Adult Summmer Reading Border's Gift Certificates, so when I need a fun book, I will have some mad cash. Also with Sterling Heights--Michael's bookmark contest winning bookmark will be appearing in a few weeks, and we are also filling out an application for him to be the Artist of the Month. Will keep you updated on that.

And I loved the Spike Lee miniseries on Hurricane Katrina. How can the public allow Bush and his peeps to get away with all of the shit they pull? I just don't get it. "Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job!" That's for sure.

That's all kids. Enjoy yourselves.

This is a wonderful video my Aunt Jan sent me. As a former principal of Bovenschen School in the MISD, she really knows how much this means to cerebral palsy victims all over the world. This is a 4 minute video of Rick and Dick Hoyt, a father/son team who I saw on Oprah in October 2005. Rick is 43, unable to move and speak--he does so via a computer--and he competes with his father in marathons and triathalons (over 294 in all since 1977!). Dick pushes Rick while running, has him on a seat when biking, and pulls him in a raft during the swimming portions. The video makes me cry--sob, actually--everytime I watch it, but I think it's more out of the sheer strength of love and the power of faith Rick and Dick share with each other. I also think I grieve a little because my father doesn't seem to have this unconditonal love for me, so it is a little bittersweet. The video is set to MercyMe's "I Can Only Imagine", and this is 4 minutes that can change your life. We all have a choice in how we live life, and cleary, Rick and Dick show us that we can make our life a miracle.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WjPrL3n63yg

Tonight I am home, nursing an upper respiratory infection/possible but probably not pnumonia. It has slowed my week substantially, and I didn't get everything I wanted to done--but I did go to UDM to add a closed course, and fortunately, all the right people were there, I gathered the signatures and am now officially in the class. Anyways, part of my internist's yearly physical is a chest x ray--he says that the second leading cause of lung cancer is from exposure to a colorless, odorless gas whose name escapes me now, but Michigan has some of the highest concentrations of this gas. So I caught what I thought was Michael's cold, and went in for the x ray, not thinking anything about it. But a couple days later, I got a thousand calls from his office saying they found a "infiltrate particle" in the right lower lobe of the lung, and did I have upper respiratory symptoms. I did, so they called in a kick-ass decongestant (the sinus pain was just terrible the last couple nights) and told me to come in at 7AM on Friday. My lungs were clear, so its likely I don't have pneumonia, but he wants to be on the safe side, so I am on Levaquin for 10 days. Lots of fluids and rest, but I am feeling better now that it's cooler. The dry AC doesn't help. However, our AC leaks. A lot. But, my mom decided to replace the roof this week instead (my uncle is a roofer, BTW, so he gave a really great discount--in fact, the job was probably done at cost--but it was still expensive) of the furnace/AC, so Paul rigged up a contraption so no one needs to empty pails of water--it just runs from a tube into the drain. The boys and I even made some changes to the invention so now it is virtually maintenance free, and with the heat it's been nice to not have to worry about tuning on the air and having the thing leak. Though being on crutches the last couple summers, I wasn't the one doing the emptying, so it's much more of a relief for my mom and Paul. Anyways, I am just reading up a storm and loving it. I have the best bed and room for reading. My dad always said they picked the best room in the house for me!

I also have to put the Chicago pics in an album. I am onto labeling the second set of 6th grade graduation pics from Michael and David, and Michael is being pretty cooperative about writing about his pics from the week in Maine. It's a pain in the ass, but it's better to do this while they are still current, and someday, I tell the boys, we will be glad we matched names and faces and dates. I am off to do that and read. Have a lovely evening!